Trees are Delicious
by Opal Rain Dragon
Summary: COMPLETE! This is a rather amusing Challenge fic. All I'm asking is that you read the challenges and then if you get the urge to continue, go with it. R
1. The Challenges

Title: Trees are Delicious  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. No house, no car, no phone, no nothing. All I have is the laptop I won on some fluke lucky streak and you'll have to pry it out of my cold dead fingers.  
  
Rating: Probably PG-13...maybe R. ::skims down and takes note of the constant use of the f-word and the drunken strip tease:: Yeah, definitely R.  
  
Author Note: These are the challenges and the story is in the works. I'll probably have the next chapter up by tomorrow. Anyway, Elizabeth made up most of the challenges and this was originally going to be done entirely by her, but ideas kept crawling into my head. Since we collaborated on this story before deciding to do our own, some of the elements in our stories will be the same or similar. Harry Potter challenge crap  
  
-Harry Potter must say, "You don't understand! I have diarrhea! I have to run to the bathroom every four minutes!" [1]  
  
-Someone must say, "The fried cabbage patties worked in theory, OK?" [2]  
  
-Dobby must put tampons in his ears and run around screaming, "Dos Equis!"  
  
-A repetitious flashing of curses causes Neville to go into epileptic seizures  
  
-Every time a challenge requirement is met, you must have a character randomly say the word "bing" and it must be a different character each time  
  
-Colin Creevey must say "fuck" 8 times  
  
-hERMIONE must say, "HAHA YOU'VE BEEN BROUGHT DOWN BY THE CURSE! THE PLAGUE OF THE KEYBOARD!" [3]  
  
-Winky must do a drunken striptease for the HORRIFIED HUFFLEPUFFS!  
  
-Someone must say, "mmmmmmm.... huuuumans...." [4]  
  
-Ginny must include "Trees are delicious" in a song that does not usually have those words in the song. [5]

End Note: All the quotes that were used belong to me or my friends in this order.

[1] Said by my mom as the reason why we couldn't see the Harry Potter movie. ::shudders at the memory::  
  
[2] Said by me as an excuse for the culinary disaster I had unleashed upon society. I was starving.  
  
[3]Also said by me as the reason why Elizabeth kept on screwing up the caps lock and making all the words half big and half small.  
  
[4]Said by James Fulmer (a.k.a. Jamers) during a dress rehearsal for A Midsummer Night's Dream.  
  
[5]Said by me, when I attempted to eat a tree. Don't give me that look, I've attempted to eat a lot of things before. Flowers, old sausage, random chemicals during chemistry class, McDonalds food. I have yet to die, so I believe that I am pretty well off.  
  
I know, I know, it's pretty frightening, but bear with me and continue. I promise that you will enjoy it.  
  
If you wish to do your own version, please e-mail me. You can find my e-mail address in my profile. Well, ja ne! ::skips off stage:: And you better review. ::growls::


	2. It's a Mad Mad Ride

Title: Trees Are Delicious

Disclaimer: Only in my own little world do I own them.

Rating: R for language

Author's Note: I sent this to my friend to be edited, but it never was, so I posted it anyways. When I do have it edited, I'll re post it.

It's a Mad Mad Ride

Outside the Train  
  
The Hogwarts Express moved slowly along the countryside, struggling with the weight of many children, their crap, and their camping supplies. Every year the load was just the perfect weight for the poor train, but this year was different. This year Dumbledore had sent a letter to the students informing them of their possible participation in survival training. What is survival training you ask? Well, it basically means that the students got to camp out in the Forbidden Forest for a week. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Well, we'll see.  
  
Inside the Train  
  
Neville's head peaked out between the branches of a small potted tree that he was carrying in his hands. Somehow, he managed to find his friends and get to them without any unfortunate incidences.  
  
"Neville, what's that?" Ron asked, with a horrified expression on his face.  
  
"It's a muggle fichus tree that my grandmother got me for my birthday," he replied, smiling. "I thought it would be perfect for the common room."  
  
"You know what?" Hermione said. "That's sounds like a great idea. I read somewhere..."  
  
The compartment filled with the noise of a collective groan from everyone within hearing distance.  
  
"...that trees are supposed to have a soothing effect on the mind."  
  
Neville placed the tree down near the window and smiled at Hermione with gratitude before sitting himself down between Ginny and Colin Creevey.  
  
"So Harry, how was your summer?" Colin questioned eagerly.  
  
"It was all right, but I had a real hard time convincing my uncle to sign the permission slip for survival training. It wasn't until I told him how dangerous it was that he agreed to sign it. He's probably hoping I'll die or something."  
  
Ron and Hermione snickered. After knowing Harry for five years they were no longer shocked at his family's cruelty. The rest chose not to comment.  
  
The train lurched forward, struggling in it's ascent up the hill. Everyone in the compartment shared a nervous look and peered around the tree and out the window. It was a really tall hill. They shared another nervous look.  
  
"I'm sure we'll make it," Hermione assured them, but it was easy to see the doubt in her face. And then, as if to spite her, the train sputtered, groaned, and then stopped all together.  
  
"This is so not good," Ron complained.  
  
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience," a voice from above announced. "It appears as if the train was unable to handle the extra weight, but don't worry kids, The Ministry is sending someone over to fix the train as we speak. Just sit tight and don't panic."  
  
Hermione began giggling hysterically. "HAHA!" she proclaimed in a loud booming voice. "YOU'VE BEEN BROUGHT DOWN BY THE CURSE! THE PLAGUE OF THE KEYBOARD!"  
  
"Bing," the conductor's voice crackled over the intercom.  
  
They all stared at her in wide-eyed concern, convinced that she had finally lost it.  
  
"Are you okay, Hermione?" Harry inquired, nervously.  
  
"It's all those book," Ron said. "I knew this would happen one day. All that reading she does can't be good for a person. It's unnatural."  
  
Hermione giggled again. "Sorry," she gasped out. "I've always wanted to say that."  
  
"What's a keyboard?" Neville questioned fearfully.  
  
"Oh," Hermione soothed. "It's nothing dangerous. It's just a device muggles use when they are too lazy to write."  
  
Neville let out a relieved breath. "Is that all?"  
  
Hermione nodded.  
  
"It seems we might be on the train for a long time." Harry glanced at Hermione warily. "Maybe we should think of a way to keep ourselves entertained."  
  
Thoughtful frowns appeared on most everyone's face as they contemplated their current situation.  
  
"We could play wizards chess," Ron suggested. Everyone groaned.  
  
"It's never fun because you always win," Ginny pouted.  
  
"Well, when I was a kid. The muggle children would sing songs to ease their boredom on a long bus ride," Hermione stated.  
  
Harry gaped at her in disbelief. "So, are you saying we should sing songs in order to keep ourselves entertained? Well count me out."  
  
"I was just saying..."  
  
"Actually," Ginny interrupted, a mad gleam in her eyes. "That sounds like it might just be fun. I've been watching muggle TV at a friend's house, so I actually know some muggle songs."  
  
"Me too," Collin announced, an equally mad gleam in his twitching eyes.  
  
"Does it have to be muggle songs?" Ron whined. "Or can we sing wizarding songs too."  
  
Hermione shrugged. "I don't see why not?"  
  
Harry looked around in shock. "Fumes," he mumbled. "The train must be emitting fumes into the air. That's the only explanation," but no one heard him.  
  
"I'll go first," Ginny cried out gleefully.  
  
"Trees, trees, National Arbor Day Foundation spreads the word across the nation about trees. Trees are delicious," and with that she bit into one of the fichus tree leaves, ripping it from it's stem, and began chewing.  
  
"Bing," she shrieked at them.  
  
They all stared at her in horror, except Neville; he rushed to his precious tree in order to tend to the damage done by the crazed witch.  
  
She wrinkled her nose in disgust and spit the leaf bits into her hand. "Gross, now I've got leaf juices in my mouth."  
  
Collin Creevey was the first to overcome his initial shock. "I guess I'll go next," he suggested questioningly.  
  
"This summer I watched the movie Jay and Silent Bob and there was this song in the beginning that my friend taught me," he grinned wolfishly.  
  
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Mother mother fuck. Mother mother fuck fuck. Mother fuck mother fuck. Noise noise noise. 1 2 1 2 3 4 Noise noise noise. Smokin weed, smokin weed. Doin' coke, drinkin beers. Drinkin beers, beers beers. Rollin' fatties, smokin blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. Rollin' blunts and..."  
  
"BING!" Hermione screeched in horror.  
  
He looked at her and then smiled knowingly. "Yeah, bling bling, dawg."  
  
She gaped and shook her head. "Why the hell did you want to learn a song like that?"  
  
"Well," he paused, unsure of why she was upset. "It's catchy."  
  
"Do you understand what it means?" she asked.  
  
"Not really, but...Why? What does it mean?"  
  
"It's best if you don't know. Just never sing that song in public, OK?"  
  
He nodded a little put out, but before anyone else could comment, the train jerked forward and slowly started moving again.  
  
"Good," Harry said shakily. "The train is moving again." He was relieved that the game of sing-a-long was ended, it was definitely too weird for him.  
  
Endnote: Elizabeth posted hers. Her pen name is Film Canister, go read it.

Review Responses:

MiOnIeZtwin01: Sure we can write a story together. In fact I've been toying around with a story idea, but I can't write it right now because I'm too damn busy. It goes like this - What if Sirius really did become a ghost, but he was unable to find Harry until summer. And let's say that he arrived at the Dursley's only to find Harry being beaten by Mr. Dursley. So, in anger, Sirius decides to make it his life's goal to haunt the Dursleys and all the descendants. Bwuahaha!!! ::shrugs:: It was funny in my head, ok?

hermyandron4evr: Cute name. Anyway, go right ahead and write your own, just send me an e-mail so I can read it.

reflectivelvet: Here's the first chapter. It gets better, I promise.


	3. Dumbledore's Lost His Marbles

Title: Trees Are Delicious  
  
Disclaimer: I never get anything I want.  
  
Rating: R  
  
Author's Note: Again, I post this without it having been edited. I had this done a week ago, but my editor is too busy. ::growls:: I guess you will have to just live with the mistakes.  
  
Dumbledore's Lost His Marbles  
  
The Great Hall  
  
The students shifted impatiently in their seats, waiting for the sorting ceremony to start. The first years were marched into the Great Hall, most looked nervous, but the rest were staring up at the ceiling, entranced.  
  
"As you may know," Dumbledore spoke to the waiting assembly. Eyes all around snapped in his direction; most were puzzled by his decision to give a speech before the sorting.  
  
"Sometime this year, we are going on a camping trip in the Forbidden Forest, so that you can learn how to survive outside on your own. I am so excited that the Ministry of Magic has awarded us this wonderful opportunity that I have decided that we should have the camping trip right now. Screw being sorted, I now proclaim you all Gryffindors because I'm a bias bastard and I like that house. Now let's go."  
  
All around mouths dropped, some were dropped after a large intake of air.  
  
"What are you waiting for?" Dumbledore asked with a grin.  
  
They continued to stare at him in shock.  
  
"Come on," he pleaded.  
  
Still, the crowd was in a state of shock.  
  
"Now," he shouted angrily, his booming voice echoing around the Great Hall. "Close your gapping pie hole, grab your shit, and get out."  
  
There was a flurry of motion as students trampled each other in their hurried attempt to get to the castle entrance, grab their things, and rush outside. Never before had any of them heard Dumbledore shout in anger. To say the least, they were more terrified of him in that moment than of any possibly dangerous creature lurking out in the woods.  
  
"That was odd," Ron stated as they walked out into the middle of the lawn with the rest of the students.  
  
"Students," Professor McGonagall shouted over the noise. "Please gather around your Head of House and await further instruction from them."  
  
They group immediately started moving towards the testy woman and stared at her expectantly.  
  
She smiled down or up at them all, "Good, good. Is everyone here?"  
  
The group looked around and nodded.  
  
"Good. Now, each house has its own clearing out in the woods. I want you to stay close and follow me as I lead you to the Gryffindor clearing. Once we are there you will set up your tents, we will eat, and then I want you all to go to bed, immediately."  
  
She turned around and started walking briskly towards the Forbidden Forest. The students followed closely behind for fear of getting lost.  
  
As they entered the forest, they were engulfed in near darkness and frightening noises. The trio seemed unfazed by the evil all around, but the rest of the courageous Gryffindors were quacking in fear with each step.  
  
After about ten minutes, Professor McGonagall stopped at the edge of a clearing that was marked Gryffindor.  
  
"Well, here we are," she gestured toward the center. "Set up you tents and I'll take you to the food clearing."  
  
Quickly territory was marked and the friends started setting up tents next to each other. Harry and Hermione both had normal Muggle tents as well as a few other students, but most had wizard tents. Harry glared at them in envy remembering the fact that most wizard tents were roomy and comfortable.  
  
The few people who were unlucky enough to have muggle tents were still putting theirs up when Professor McGonagall announced that it was time to eat. They abandoned their efforts and followed their head of house down a path that led to an even bigger clearing.  
  
Suddenly the layout of the campsite became clear. The central or food clearing had four main paths leading away from it like the spokes on a wagon. Those paths went presumably to each house clearing. Then there were two smaller paths; one going deeper into the forest and one going back towards the castle.  
  
Other student were beginning to fill up the central clearing, all were looking at the five tables curiously. Four tables were parallel and the fifth was perpendicular. It looked exactly like the great hall, except for the fact that the sky was real.  
  
Slowly the students moved to their table, each whispering amongst themselves. The teachers made their way to their own table.  
  
"This is nice," Dumbledore stated. "Isn't it?"  
  
They nodded and the rest of the students sat down. Once everyone was settled, food magically appeared on the table. There were gasps of surprise from all around, especially from the first years who were not even close to being accustomed to having their food magically appear before them.  
  
They hesitantly began eating and as they realized that the food was not poisoned, their eating became more frenzied. Suffering from shock after shock, causes a person to gain an appetite.  
  
When everyone was stuffed beyond stuffed, Dumbledore cleared his throat and began speaking. Most of the students shuddered; the memory of Professor Umbridge still fresh in their minds.  
  
"Over the next couple of days, you will be participating in lessons that will teach you basic survival skills in a non-muggle forest. Breakfast is at seven and your class schedules are...," he waved his hand at them. "...right in front of you."  
  
Harry picked up the paper that had suddenly appeared before him and examined it. They had the first half of the day off tomorrow and for lunch they would be with Hagrid learning how to make food in the wilderness. The group shared a horrified expression. Even though they wished to support the giant of a man, they had encountered his idea of food before and they were terrified.  
  
"We'll be lucky if we still have teeth, that is if we survive," Ron said in alarm.  
  
"It can't be that bad," Colin piped up.  
  
"Oh yes...it can and will be that bad," Hermione assured.  
  
"And if, by some small miracle we survive with only a mild case of food poisoning, we get rewarded by having to deal with Professor Snape and his outdoor potions class tomorrow," Ginny added.  
  
They all groaned.  
  
Endnote: This chapter wasn't as entertaining but it will get better, just stick with me.  
  
Review responses:  
  
Hermyandron4evr: Thanks for your continued support and I'm looking forward to your story.  
  
PsychoHaired: Hope this is enough of an update for you. 


	4. The World is Unsafe

Title: Trees Are Delicious  
  
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I so would not be sharing.  
  
Rating: R  
  
Author's Note: Sorry for the late update. I was at Freshman Orientation. ::shudders:: If I have to hear about how important grades are one more time, someone is dying. Again, you can thank my worthless friend for all the mistakes because she still has not edited anything; not this story or the other one I'm working on. Also, I would like to apologize in advance for the crappiness of this chapter. It isn't near as funny as any of the others, but I had to fill in some requirements and all. I promise that next chapter will be better, but you know, if I get at least six reviews, it might motivate me to stop bitching and moaning and start working.  
  
The World is Unsafe  
  
"Aye 'arry," Hagrid called cheerfully. "Are yeh excited 'bout me class?"  
  
"Yeah," he lied with an enthusiastic nod. "Real excited."  
  
They still had twenty minutes until his class started and were attempting to enjoy their free time. Breakfast was over hours ago, with them nervously poking at their food, unable to eat because they feared that anything they ate now would be puked up later.  
  
"Well, I'll see yeh later then," he said and he left.  
  
The looked on in trepidation.  
  
"Maybe we can play sick and stay here," Ron suggested.  
  
"No," Hermione shook her head. "We have to be there to support Hagrid, even though it might kill us."  
  
"Might? Might?" Ron squeaked. "It WILL kill us."  
  
They brooded forever and finally the time came for them to head to their next lesson.  
  
Each of the Gryffindors crowded around the gigantic form of Hagrid.  
  
"Now, today we will learn useful foragin' skills and how ter cook in the wild. I want each of yeh ter look around the woods till yeh find somethin' that looks edible. Bring it back and put it around the camp fire and I'll tell yeh what is safe ter eat and what isn't."  
  
No questions were asked and when it was clear that Hagrid had nothing else to say, they went out in search of food.  
  
"How the bloody hell am I suppose to know what's edible or not?" Ron grumbled when they were out of earshot from the rest of the Gryffindors.  
  
Harry shrugged and looked questioningly at a collection of mushrooms that were growing around one of the trees nearby. He picked a couple and put them in his inner robe pocket.  
  
"Oh," Hermione cried in excitement. "Cabbage!"  
  
She pulled up the cabbage and wrapped her arms around it. While Ron was glaring at her, he noticed a bush out of the corner of his eye. Big, red, delectable looking berries were clustered within the branches.  
  
"There," he announced with glee. "I'll bring these berries." He snapped off a clump of them and started skipping back to the camp fire.  
  
They each deposited their, hopefully edible finds and glanced around warily at the rest of the selection.  
  
"I see most of yeh are done, so I'll begin."  
  
He picked up the mushrooms. "I see a lot of yeh thought ter bring mushrooms, but, unfortunately, if you were ter eat these, you'd prolly be dead within a couple hours."  
  
Harry blushed a little in embarrassment along with a few other students.  
  
Hagrid tossed the mushrooms back into the woods and picked up a beetle that had been placed in the pile. He stared at it thoughtfully for a while. "I'm not too sure 'bout this one, but I say, 'Let's not risk it.' "  
  
Collin looked away sheepishly, while the rest of the Gryffindors let out a relieved sigh. None of them were too keen on the idea of eating beetles.  
  
Hagrid tossed it into the fire and it exploded in a bright burst of pink and purple. It was most definitely not edible. Then Hagrid grabbed up a bunch of different berries.  
  
"I also see, that most of you thought ter bring berries. Good plan, but sadly, none of these are edible. A few of them would only give you a mild stomach ache, but these," he held up Ron's berries. "These cause a person to fall into a deep unwakeable sleep."  
  
Ron gulped; he had been planning on eating some.  
  
He threw the berries away and began riffling through the assortment of hopefully or unhopefully edible food, explaining what each was and what symptoms it produced before throwing them away.  
  
"It seems," he said at last, "that the only thing edible would be the cabbage that Hermione found." Hermione blushed at the compliment.  
  
"Now I'll show yeh the cookin' part of the lesson. First we'll begin with how to build a fire."  
  
He showed them how to build a fire and how to roast things on sticks held over the flame. He showed them food that was safe to eat. After that they went to look for safe food and together they began roasting their food over the fire.  
  
Hagrid kept looking thoughtfully at the cabbage. He hated plain cabbage as did most normal people, but he had never tried to cook it. He built his own fire and set up everything he would need. When the water was boiling he dumped the sliced cabbage into the water and added some seasoning. Strangely enough, it started to smell really good and soon the students were watching the giant with curious expressions. When the cabbage was almost translucent he fished out a piece with his spoon, blew on it, and then ate it. It still tasted horrid, but he was not willing to allow the cabbage to go to waste.  
  
"Maybe if I fry it..." he mumbled to himself, trailing of in thought.  
  
He nodded once and set to work, straining the cabbage, mashing it and then squishing it together into a little patty. He pulled out a frying pan and set it over the fire, then tossed the patty on the pan. At first the smell only grew more delectable, but then it began smelling burnt. Thick black smoke poured fourth engulfing the student in it. The smell invaded their nostrils, making the Gryffindors wrinkle their noses up in the hope that they could prevent the smell from invading their noses any further. It didn't work.  
  
"Bugger," Ron said, squinting at Hagrid through the smoke. "It seems you burnt it."  
  
Hermione frowned at Hagrid. "What in the world made you think that you could fry cabbage?"  
  
"I don't know," he replied with a shrug.  
  
"I thought you were supposed to know these kinds of things," Lavender quipped. "You are teaching us how to cook in the wilds after all."  
  
Hagrid glared at the two girls. "The fried cabbage patties worked in theory, OK?"  
  
"Bing!" Dean announced. "Dinner's ready and hopefully it's better than what Hagrid's attempting to cook."  
  
Hagrid gave them all a hurt look and stormed off, leaving them to their one- hundred percent all natural lunches. They watched him go before tearing into their food, ravenously hungry for having skipped breakfast.  
  
The rest of the day was a free day.  
  
Later that night  
  
The Gryffindors were gathered around the camp fire listening to muggle ghost stories. The orangish glow of the firelight was reflected in each attentive eye as Hermione's creepy voice echoed around the silent night air. The night should not have been silent and wasn't until just a few minutes ago. It was if someone had turned off a switch and all the crickets were silent and the only noise was the crackling of the fire, the panicked breathing of the students, and Hermione's bone-chilling voice filling the void.  
  
"It happened on a night, much like this one, under a full-moon just like this one. The late summer air was blowing through the trees and the leaves were rustling against each other. That was where it all began," she paused for affect.  
  
"Three kids were going camping in the woods, all alone. They were excited because this was the first time in their life that they didn't have some adult hovering over them protectively, but maybe they should have been scared, really scared, because maybe if they were scared, they'd still be alive. This is their ta..."  
  
A rustle in the nearby bushes cut her off. Two first years gave a terrified squeak and clung to each other.  
  
"Mmmmmmm.... huuuumans...." A deep male voice purred from outside of the clearing.  
  
"Bing...," he growled, edging closer. "...o. I just love humans. My favorite bedtime snack."  
  
Slowly a wolfish shape appeared, illuminated by the fire.  
  
"Werewolf!" someone shrieked in fear.  
  
Suddenly the night air was lit up as a dozen or more curses flew in the general direction of the werewolf, some hitting their target, most missing it horribly. The repetitious flashing of curses flying through the night air was reflected in everyone's eyes. They continued even after the werewolf was down and unmoving, but slowly, ever so slowly, people got the hint and stopped.  
  
Neville was thrashing about on the ground wildly. All eyes turned suddenly to him and someone, possibly the same someone who had screamed 'werewolf,' screamed again.  
  
"Bing, somebody help, Neville's having a seizure!"  
  
Nearby  
  
Hagrid and Professor McGonagall were already on their way when they heard the first scream.  
  
A crowd was already gathering around something when they heard a girl scream, "Bing, somebody help, Neville's having a seizure!"  
  
The 'bing' they didn't quite understand, maybe it was some new sort of cuss word, but 'seizure' was a word they definitely understood. They shoved through the crowd towards the center and there, thrashing about on the ground was Neville. Harry and Ron were on top of him, trying to hold him down so he didn't injure himself and Hermione was close by barking orders.  
  
"Somebody go get the Profe...," she looked when she heard them. "Oh."  
  
"Get off him boys." They rushed to obey Professor McGonagall. She pointed her wand directly at the boy's chest and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!" He went straight as a board and didn't even so much as twitch a muscle afterwards.  
  
"Everyone go back to your tents. It's been a long night and you need to be awake and alert for tomorrow's lesson."  
  
Everyone wandered off except Neville's friends.  
  
"Is he going to be all right?" Hermione asked in concern.  
  
"I think so," McGonagall answered. "But just to be safe, I'll have Hagrid take him to Madame Pomfrey."  
  
They nodded and wandered off looking worried. No one was getting a good night sleep after that frightening episode, especially since it was now painfully clear that it was a full-moon tonight.  
  
"That was rather irresponsible for Dumbledore to plan a camping trip in the Forbidden Forest when there was a full-moon out," Hermione huffed. They all nodded in agreement.  
  
End note: The cabbage part came from a similar experience. As everyone knows, cabbage is evil. It is the food of the anti-Christ. It's evil because it looks kind of like lettuce, but when you pick it up you know. ::nods knowingly:: You know that there is something odd about it. It's too thick and it's slightly leathery and that's when you realize that it's strange and disturbing and...EVIL. Needless to say, I don't like it, but my step-mom makes these little fried cabbage patties and they are so good. I wanted some, so I thought that it couldn't be that hard. Turns out it is that hard. Maybe Natasha is just evil too and that's why she can make them. ::screams:: Cabbage patties are the devil!!!  
  
Now it's time to thank my reviewers.  
  
reflectivelvet: Hope you enjoy this chapter as well. I won't leave this story unfinished. I promise.  
  
PsychoHaired: I know that trees are not delicious I found that out from an experience that I had that was similar to Ginny's. Only the tree I bit into oozed white stuff. Now that I think about it, I don't think that tree was really a fichus tree. Have you ever noticed that fichus is spelled with a 'ch' instead of just a plain 'c'? Odd, maybe fichus trees are the devil too or maybe they are the tools of evil, sucking down water at every possible moment. 


	5. The Evils of Diarrhea

Title: Trees Are Delicious  
  
Disclaimer: I've been laying traps in order to capture them, but as of yet, no, they are not mine. ::sigh::  
  
Ratings: PG-13 ::snickers:: Yes, I changed the rating.  
  
Author's Note: I was going to wait until I had six reviews on the last chapter, but I could wait no longer, so enjoy and don't kill me. Oh and by the way, my friend just pointed out the fact that I put an 'r' Malfoy's name so that it's Malfroy. I don't know why I thought it was spelled like this, but I like the spelling and so I'm keeping it. ::sticks out tongue:: If you don't like it write your own challenge fic and spell his name correctly.  
  
The Evils of Diarrhea  
  
Breakfast that morning was a quiet affair for the Gryffindors. They all noticed the very large lack of Neville at the breakfast table. He must still be with Madame Pomfrey.  
  
"Come back here you little twit," Malfroy shouted at Pansy Parkinson. "When I get my hands on you, you are so dead."  
  
Everyone turned to stare at the pair. Pansy was running from an obviously deranged Draco Malfroy. In a panic she ran alongside the Gryffindor table, with Malfroy hot on her heals.  
  
Suddenly, Malfroy tripped, he was falling and time slowed down just so that everyone could catch his horrified expression as he landed atop Harry Potter's back, nearly slamming him head first in his food. Harry spun around to face him as well as everyone else at the Gryffindor table.  
  
He smirked at them. "Sorry Potter," he snarled in a tone that was clearly not apologetic. "I must have tripped on a stick or something."  
  
He made a big exaggerated show of standing and no one even noticed when his hand slipped over Harry's cup, pouring a white creamy liquid into his pumpkin juice. He straightened himself up and began dusting off his cloths as if he feared he had been contaminated.  
  
Then, because he couldn't resist it, he leaned down and purred in Harry's ear, "Have a nice day, Potter"  
  
He smirked once more and charged after Pansy, towards the Slytherin clearing.  
  
Harry sipped his pumpkin juice as he wondered what Malfroy had planned for him that day.  
  
"He's up to something," he grumbled to Ron and Hermione. They were also staring at Malfroy's retreating form.  
  
"What did he say to you?" Hermione asked.  
  
"He told me to 'Have a nice day,'" Harry growled.  
  
Hermione nodded. "Yeah, definitely up to something. You should keep an eye out."  
  
Harry nodded, idly sipping his pumpkin juice. Then he began picking at his food, lost in thought.  
  
His stomach began to twist into a painful knot and Harry waited for the feeling to pass, thinking that it was brought on by nervousness, but the feeling didn't pass. Instead, his stomach twisted up tighter and a hot chill passed through his body, making him shaky and sweaty. His face paled and he went running for the nearest toilet, which just happened to be all the way back at their clearing.  
  
He struggled with his cloths and plopped himself down on the toilet just as he was about to explode.  
  
He let out a sigh of relief, "I almost didn't make it."  
  
Once he was sure that he was done, he wiped himself, and pulled up his pants. Snape's class was about to start and he did not want to be late.  
  
Hermione gave him a concerned look as he approached. "Are you all right?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," he smiled shakily at her. "I think the food that we ate during Hagrid's class didn't agree with my stomach all that much."  
  
"Maybe you should go see Madame Pomfrey," Hermione suggested.  
  
Harry shook his head at the thought; there was no one he could tell her that he was having diarrhea. Some things were best left unmentioned. Besides, he didn't believe that diarrhea was life-threatening.  
  
"No Hermione," he soothed. "I think I'm fine now."  
  
Slowly, they followed the rest of the Gryffindors towards the clearing where they were supposed to have their first outdoor potions lesson. Hermione was still glancing at Harry with a look of concern and skepticism.  
  
"Ah," Professor Snape remarked. "I see that you are all on time. What a rare occurrence?"  
  
They glared at him; he was so not a favorite on any of their lists.  
  
"Today we will be learning how to gather ingredients for various potions from the wilds. We will also learn how to make simple potions outdoors. Most of you as usual will find this to be a very difficult...Yes, Potter," Snape snarled finally acknowledging Harry's frantically flailing arm.  
  
"May I go to the restroom?" he begged.  
  
"No Mr. Potter, you may not go to the restroom. You should have taken care of your business before class started."  
  
"But I really need to go," Harry whined.  
  
"I guess you'll just have to piss on yourself, won't you, Mr. Potter?" Snape smirked.  
  
"No," Harry said. "You don't understand! I have diarrhea! I have to run to the bathroom every four minutes!"  
  
"Bing," the class gasped in shock.  
  
Snape gave him a disgusted look, clearly taken aback, "Very well, Mr. Potter, you may go, if only to spare myself the retched stink of your crap."  
  
"Thank you," Harry cried and took off down the path towards the nearest bathroom.  
  
Endnote: Only one more chapter to go. It'll probably be up in two more days, one if I get a lot of reviews. Reviews tend to move me into action when I would otherwise not be moving.  
  
Review Responses:  
  
reflectivelvet: ::snickers:: I remember reading a crazy story like this to one of my friends. It was a Gundam Wing Fanfic by Chrissy Sky entitled The Search for Inspiration. It starts out like this:

_Heero Yuy, acclaimed pilot and one of the hottest Japanese men ever to walk the face of Earth and the colonies, sat on a couch. _

_It was a perfectly ordinary couch, too. Though the couch didn't like to think that. The couch wanted to be an individual. It was into equality, civil rights, and stuff like that. He was a very informed couch since the television he sat in front of was on most of the time.  
_  
We both looked at each other and went 'What the fuck?!' Anyway, that 'mmmmm...humans...' thing is an actual quote. I was in theater and we were getting ready for A Midsummer Nights Dream and so I was in the boy's dressing room helping some of the fairies with their make-up. The guy that played Lysander, James Fulmer, came in, looked around at all the guys changing and said, "Mmmmm...humans..." it was extremely funny.  
  
PsychoHaired: Here's the next chapter. I hope that I updated soon enough for you. I'm also working on another story and that one is taking some of my time too. I just had to write a Quidditch match. Quidditch is evil when you have to write it, but when the scene is written well, I love Quidditch.  
  
Well, bye bye, my lovely reviewers. And bye bye to my lovely slackers that are too lazy to review. ::glares:: I know who you are. Mwuahahaha!!! ::runs off laughing::  
  
::comes back in with a shiny and waves it around:: Here, look at the shiny, look at it. It's a pretty shiny isn't it? Oh looky, the shiny's doing something. What's it doing? Come back shiny! Oh, it's clicking a pretty button on the bottom of the screen; don't you feel the urge to click the button too?


	6. The World's Gone Insane

Title: Trees Are Delicious  
  
Disclaimer: Still trying. Maybe if I find something to blackmail J.K. Rowling with she'll give me her characters.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Author's Note: This is the last chapter ::sighs:: and its completion is bittersweet. I will miss you all very much, but I hope to be writing another great challenge fic soon. I surprised myself by finishing this story, but I believe that it was the reviews that I got that motivated me. Thank you all and review. Also, I just changed my profile. Ain't Sarah hot? ::drools::  
  
The World's Gone Insane  
  
Later that night  
  
"Draco, that was the best thing I've ever experienced," Snape purred. "The horrified look on his face pleased me to no end."  
  
"I wish I could have been there to see it," Draco pouted.  
  
"I wish you could have been there too. I don't think I've ever been more proud of you in my entire life. You're like the son I never had, because I'm so gross and slimy no man or woman would ever touch me," he cried with misty eyes.  
  
"Oh Severus, you're like the father I've always wanted," Draco cried back, moved by his Professor's powerful emotions.  
  
They drew together in a tight hug, clinging to each other as tears streamed down their face, wailing.  
  
Elsewhere  
  
The Hufflepuffs were gathered around, chatting in their own secret language. Very few people knew that they had their own language, but upon becoming a Hufflepuff, each student studies had to learn it.  
  
The conversation sounded serious, as if they were having an important philosophical debate, but for all anyone else knew, they could have been talking about what they liked on their pizza and no one would know.  
  
The conversation grew quiet as they picked up the sound of wailing coming from the general direction of the Slytherin camp. Most of the Hufflepuffs were unconcerned by the sound. They could care less if at this very moment a rabid werewolf were chomping down on young Slytherin. None of them believed this though. If a werewolf were to wander into the Slytherin camp, knowing the Slytherins they'd probably befriend it and let it loose on their fellow classmates.  
  
A noise nearby caused them to jump in surprise as Dobby the house elf ran into the clearing. He was covered head to toe in pink paint, except for two small white things sticking out of his ears. The girls realized to their disgust, that the whitish objects were in fact tampons.  
  
He ran through the camp, flailing his arms over his head with a mad look in his eyes, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs, "DOS EQUIS! BING...BING, BING...DOS EQUIS," before disappearing into the woods once more.  
  
"Ouv ack toop," one of the students said in alarm. The others nodded in agreement.  
  
Suddenly, another house elf came stumbling into the clearing as well.  
  
Winky scanned the clearing, before swaggering over to an oddly shaped tree trunk in the center of the camp.  
  
"Oh Dobby," she cooed, looking blearily at the tree stump. "I have something I want to show you."  
  
The Hufflepuffs stared at her in confusion. "Uon ouv ack toop." They nodded in agreement.  
  
"Oops, I did it again," she wailed in her drunken rendition of the Brittany Spears song, while slowly peeling away her clothes. "I made you believe, we're more than just friends."  
  
Slowly, a look of horror spread across their faces.  
  
"Bing-damn. I never wanted to loose my innocence like this," a boy in the crowd wailed.  
  
The next day  
  
The look of horror had not completely faded from the faces of the Hufflepuffs when morning came. A few were twitchy, but most were just plain traumatized.  
  
The Slytherins had an extremely annoying look of utter happiness on their faces.  
  
The Ravenclaws looked disgruntled because they had not been mentioned in this story until now.  
  
And the Gryffindors all looked like they had a bad case of PMS. They had been unable to sleep two nights in a row. The first night because of fear of werewolves and psychotic mass murders and the second night because of a spooky wailing that could be heard clear across camp.  
  
The teachers looked upset, exhausted, and exasperated, except Snape of course, he looked like Christmas had come early.  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked at the many faces now studying him.  
  
"Sadly, I regret to inform you that because of my negligent actions in regards to your safety and well-being, I have been fired. The Ministry of Magic has already appointed a replacement for me. He's an American wizard by the name of Michael Jackson."  
  
There were cries of despair from the students, but none were as loud as the ones from the children of muggle households.  
  
"No!" a girl shrieked. "I don't want to be molested!"  
  
"You don't have to worry," the boy next to her replied. "You're a girl after all. It's the boys that should be crying."  
  
The Hufflepuff boy who had cursed his loss of innocence brightened slightly. "I guess it's better that Winky stole my innocence."  
  
It was a very very sad day for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
The End  
  
Endnote: I'm so evil. ::snickers:: I couldn't help it, honest. It was all the muses fault. I was as traumatized as you are now. I didn't want to do it. ::smacks muse:: Stupid idiot; I told you they wouldn't enjoy it.  
  
Review Response:  
  
reflectivelvet: Gundam Wing is an anime that came on cartoon network a few years back. I loved the anime, even though some parts were very confusing, but what really made me love the anime was the wonderful fanfics. If you can't afford the anime you should try and get the books or if you live in Texas I can come over to your house and force you to watch it. You better stock up on caffeine pills and coke though.  
  
Yeah, I wasn't too sure about the whole diarrhea thing either. I got squeamish just writing it, but it was a challenge and well...even the best of us get diarrhea. ::grimaces:: I actually hated writing that part. 


End file.
